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November 22, 2004
After losing all my writings of the last few years due to a computer mess up it seems rather pointless to attempt to chronicle my life with words. But I'm going to attempt regardless. I'm living in Waterloo, finally in university. Despite how I swore I wouldn't, I skip class almost as much as I go. Makes it all seem like a waste of time and money, but I still can't drag my ass out of bed.
Life here is definitely interesting. Well, actually, for the most part it's not even remotely interesting. But there is one thing that does offer something of interest. I met this girl here, through the most uncommon of circumstances, especially for me. I went into a coffee shop and gathered from looking at her behind the counter that she listened to the same music as me. That is really the only reason why I started talking to her. She came out to my table and we spoke for the bulk of an hour. That would be the last time we would see each other for about a month. I left that night with her msn address, and we then spoke everyday on msn for hours on end. For the first time in my life, I formed a friendship with someone over the internet. Of course I never really knew if this was friendship or if we were becoming more than that. Before meeting up for the first time to go to the movies she informs me of her boyfriend. So at that point I automatically assume its friendship. An odd situation, but friends none the less. So for about the last month we have hung out 5 or 6 times just at my house watching movies or hanging around at her school. The only thing that has, and continually does throw me off is the fact that she has only mentioned her boyfriend 3 times. We can talk for hours and hours for a few weeks straight and her boyfriend will never come up in the conversation. I will ask her what she did that day, or the night before, and somehow, she has only ever admitted to seeing him twice. Twice in about 2 months. There is no way that is accidental, she obviously does not like talking to me about her boyfriend. But, I have to continue as if we're strictly friends. Then last week I get thrown for a curve. She tells me I can't date anyone. She says it out of nowhere, with no explanation. At that point I am starting to wonder what is going on. So Saturday night she comes to pick me up and we went over to her friends house and smoked up. This by the way was my first time smoking up and her and her friend Jess were 'breaking me in'. Anyway, when we're hanging out there is just no clicking. I know it's because I can never shake the fact from my head that she has a boyfriend, and this is under the pretense of friends. It makes every situation so fucking awkward. It's an awful unfixable situation. She lives in Kitchener with all her friends and boyfriend and i'm out here in waterloo by myself. As long as that's the situation, things can never change.
The problem is, it's affecting me like crazy. And i'm not sure if its because i like her, or if it's because i simply have nothing else to cling to. I mean, living here, she is all i have. Hypothetically, if she moved away, i would be literally by myself here for an indefinite amount of time. I thought we could be really good friends and chill with no awkwardness, i actually believed that, but it seems evident now that at some point it always comes back to question whether it really is just friends.
i discovered that a relationship will never work for me if i am the one going after her. It never has in the past, and don't think it ever will. Whenever i care about the situation, i never act like myself. When i don't give a fuck, things go much better. This situation will only be resolved when we move in together next fall. Yah, you read that right, i am moving in with her and one of her friends next fall. I already know for a fact that when we move in next year we will be best friends. The difference between then and now is there will be no awkwardness when we hang out alone, because we will be living together. Of course we would be alone. There would be no pretense of going out to the movies and wondering what that means etc. I also think that we would end up dating by Christmas. You read it here first. I predict i am dating her by next christmas. The shitty part is of course the fact that i have to wait a year before i will have someone here to hang out with on a regular basis. I'm so fucking lonely here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes i feel like i am dead. I get this really odd feeling that i died a few years ago. I am even having trouble recalling memories of life a few years ago. Like if i sit and think i can remember certain things, but it's like i am recalling scenes from a movie i might have seen, not actual days of a life i lived. I used to have such a form grip on memories. Now I don't remember who i was or what happened to me. It's like i have been looking for something for so long that I lost who i was. I feel so separated from the world. Like i walk around and see things and people but they can't see me because i'm not really here. I sometimes feel like i am in a movie, and at some point it's just going to end, and i will walk off the set back into the real world. I guess it's just a feeling that things feel so temporary.
Some days i really wish i wasn't alive. Is that normal? do people think like that?
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